Day#8

These are the days when I miss you the most. So freaking much happened and all I want to do is to share with you and get your kind words of comfort and your warm lap where I felt protected, like nothing could hit me. You have no fucking idea how empty my life is without you. You were the one person I could share anything with, that gave me true warmth. Yes, I love my best friend but it's not the same. How can it be the same? I love you. You have my heart in your possession. Without you I'm like a shell of myself, someone with a permanent hole on their chest.

I know I scared you when I said I felt nothing. I know. But I didn't. It didn't mean I wanted you away. It didn't mean I didn't feel anything towards you. It just meant my disease was getting too much for me too handle and that I was so sad I was just blocking everything so I didn't feel worse. You know how bad it got. You KNOW.

I needed you when I left the hospital. I needed you and you weren't there. You stopped being there. Slowly I felt you slip through my fingers. You say I made up things to get to the point I did but you never tried to get to the root to why I did it and just assumed I was doing it cause of you. You should've known it wasn't cause of you. You know how bad things with my family get.

You know what's worse?

Despite being so mad at you, so fucking mad, I just want to cry because I miss you. I miss your selfies and to hear about your knew makeup and your videos of you cutting strawberries for breakfast. I miss to get your voice messages and to have you around all the time. I miss your hugs and kisses, even though you were always so far away from me.

I miss you too much. It hurts every freaking day even if I try to pretend it doesnt. And there is no way I can deny it. Because on the day you told me you were going to cut ties with me I broke down crying like I had never cried before. I never, ever, felt so much pain before,

I need you so much. But you're not here anymore.

You're gone.

And I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I really, really, really, just want to give up again. And make it work this time.

Still me,
girlfromnowhere