I am going nuts.
If it's not you that I'm missing it's my best friend that's about to get kicked from her house to go live on the fucking streets. Her boyfriend is a jackass. If I heard him call her a whore in front of her little girl I would gut him in the blink of an eye. Not even exaggerating. Once you try to end your life, killing someone else is not something that really scares you. Not when they're threatening the one person on the planet that still really cares about you and sees you as someone amazing and not worthless.
She called me her guardian angel today because I got tired of being home and doing nothing and went out to hand her resumes. I will never understand how can she be so grateful to me. If she's kicked out, there's literally nothing I can do. And she has a baby. And not even her mom wants her home. Stupid bitch. She should've given her daughter for adoption if she hated her so much. A little selfish part of me is happy she didn't though, cause if she had, I had never met her.
You used to call me angel. Pretty sure it was just cause it sounded nice. I mean, after you leaving like you did I wonder what the hell you said that wasn't just blurted out to make the picture look nice.
Lost a job today cause of my dad today. Cause he wouldnt lend me the car again. A stupid two day job at weekends and he won't help me even with that. And you think I took the pills cause of you? How freaking selfish is that? You knew everything that was going on. Every little thing. And you say it was me making excuses and hiding away. I guess in the last moments I got your real thoughts at last.
It just makes me sadder that you knew from the beginning what was going on with me. You knew how bad it was. I gave you my family number if you needed it. And you didn't care. You still don't or you'd be here.
I wish I hadn't wished you a happy birthday so I didn't have to hear you lie to my face again. How can you miss me so much if you're away still? How can it be okay if it hurts as much as you say?
Liar.
LIAR.
You fucking LIAR.
Still me,
girlfromnowhere
Friday, January 13, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Day#8
These are the days when I miss you the most. So freaking much happened and all I want to do is to share with you and get your kind words of comfort and your warm lap where I felt protected, like nothing could hit me. You have no fucking idea how empty my life is without you. You were the one person I could share anything with, that gave me true warmth. Yes, I love my best friend but it's not the same. How can it be the same? I love you. You have my heart in your possession. Without you I'm like a shell of myself, someone with a permanent hole on their chest.
I know I scared you when I said I felt nothing. I know. But I didn't. It didn't mean I wanted you away. It didn't mean I didn't feel anything towards you. It just meant my disease was getting too much for me too handle and that I was so sad I was just blocking everything so I didn't feel worse. You know how bad it got. You KNOW.
I needed you when I left the hospital. I needed you and you weren't there. You stopped being there. Slowly I felt you slip through my fingers. You say I made up things to get to the point I did but you never tried to get to the root to why I did it and just assumed I was doing it cause of you. You should've known it wasn't cause of you. You know how bad things with my family get.
You know what's worse?
Despite being so mad at you, so fucking mad, I just want to cry because I miss you. I miss your selfies and to hear about your knew makeup and your videos of you cutting strawberries for breakfast. I miss to get your voice messages and to have you around all the time. I miss your hugs and kisses, even though you were always so far away from me.
I miss you too much. It hurts every freaking day even if I try to pretend it doesnt. And there is no way I can deny it. Because on the day you told me you were going to cut ties with me I broke down crying like I had never cried before. I never, ever, felt so much pain before,
I need you so much. But you're not here anymore.
You're gone.
And I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I really, really, really, just want to give up again. And make it work this time.
Still me,
girlfromnowhere
I know I scared you when I said I felt nothing. I know. But I didn't. It didn't mean I wanted you away. It didn't mean I didn't feel anything towards you. It just meant my disease was getting too much for me too handle and that I was so sad I was just blocking everything so I didn't feel worse. You know how bad it got. You KNOW.
I needed you when I left the hospital. I needed you and you weren't there. You stopped being there. Slowly I felt you slip through my fingers. You say I made up things to get to the point I did but you never tried to get to the root to why I did it and just assumed I was doing it cause of you. You should've known it wasn't cause of you. You know how bad things with my family get.
You know what's worse?
Despite being so mad at you, so fucking mad, I just want to cry because I miss you. I miss your selfies and to hear about your knew makeup and your videos of you cutting strawberries for breakfast. I miss to get your voice messages and to have you around all the time. I miss your hugs and kisses, even though you were always so far away from me.
I miss you too much. It hurts every freaking day even if I try to pretend it doesnt. And there is no way I can deny it. Because on the day you told me you were going to cut ties with me I broke down crying like I had never cried before. I never, ever, felt so much pain before,
I need you so much. But you're not here anymore.
You're gone.
And I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I really, really, really, just want to give up again. And make it work this time.
Still me,
girlfromnowhere
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